Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Dark End of the Spectrum


Things change.

It’s the truth.

Strangers become friends, friends become strangers.

Summers lose their charm, winters become tolerable, pleasant even.

Ice-cream is now boring, cheesecakes are yum.

Small talk feels like small talk, and serious talk is in.


Did I tell you that things change?

You wanted a library full of novels, and a life that mirrored fiction.

Now you just want a job that’ll let you earn tonnes.

Where is the crazy laughter? The candid smile?

Where are the brushes and paints? The satisfaction when you ran that extra mile?


I bet you thought things will never change.

Did your hair just get shorter? Or worse, thinner?

Did you ever think your guitar would gather dust?

Did I despise so many people back then?

Did I care for what people thought I ought to become?


I did not see this coming- this alien altered state of things.

This constant voice telling you to perform,

This dread of losing beloved ones,

When did I stop trying my best?

When did I last throw caution to the wind?


Does everyone feel this way?

Or are some of us more guarded than the rest?

Are there too many question marks in this piece?

Does the title sound like an album’s name?


Did you fear a typical life?

Did you want to surpass all avarice?

I never thought I could feel such an array of emotions.

I never thought I would worry about the dark end of the spectrum.



N.B. This piece has been inspired by the words of a very close and dear friend, and I give her full credit for the title and the words that follow. Thank you Dampy, for I thought I would never write again.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Our Ships in Wreck

Have you seen limpid milk,
And smelt steel plates of uncharacteristic odour?
Have you tasted worm-infested grains,
And felt your whole body shudder?

Have you perceived a crowd so feeble,
So reluctant to proclaim their woes?
The colourful box of joy to most,
Repetitive, dull, would you like a dose?

Hear them tirade, the pallid converstions,
Negotiate with your standards, rotten decisions;
Numerous faults, a rotund uncle,
A lech for a guard, only to be replaced by another.

Nights of romance, of recharges and giggles,
Rouse from sleep, supress your troubles;
A run-down staircase, saline bathwater,
Trying to read, when all you do is doodle.

Impractical is your charity, humanitarianism is out,
Flush for others, you miserable louts!
The diseases that spread faster than rumours,
Colds, fevers, viruses, did I mention rodents?

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown,
But unease and qualms are felt by us too;
When you live in a place far, far from home,
Paranoia and excitement- you alternate between the two!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Simple Life, an oxymoron

Life is such a gamble. Or maybe not so much a gamble as much as a game. Is there a difference? There have been so many people writing so many different versions of how they perceive life. For me, life is about happiness and unhappiness. I try to block out the grey areas, although I am painfully aware of how the grey areas happen to be there, very much so.

Humour, now that is overrated. Humorous people are not always happy, and unhappy people find reasons to not be unhappy. So where does that leave you and I? Is that a question to be asked? For most people, no. Don't ask funny questions, you may receive funny answers which you wont like.

"Sir, do you think I am a doormat?"
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

A game it is for sure. Look for happiness, avoid unhappiness. Basic objective of the game. Now how do you win this game of life? Simple- strategize, connive, pressurize, force(yourself or others, it doesn't matter, you just have to win). And guess what, in this game, you don't get extra lives, you lose the one you have, K.O. game over!

Because these days no one cares if you are good or bad. They care if you win or lose. You might end up being a slave to nasty emotions if you try to be a good person. How utilitarian, you may think. Life can be about passion, not utility. I agree, but the point is, only if you have the particular brand of passion, the brand that is essential, you survive. A passion for yellow light will get you nowhere.

However, there comes a stage in life when one realizes how difficult it is to change, even if one wants to. Such mortals! People always tell each other not to worry. But if we don't worry about what we did, how we do it and what we were doing to do about it, we wouldn't be...we.

Humans worry, and hence are mortals.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

On Fathers...

The room is sweltering hot, this awkward silence seems to dominate the room, and all the people in the room seem to have nothing to say to each other, probably because they've never met each other before. Some are trying to make small talk, but the air is heavy with expectation and anxiety.

It is the beginning of a counselling session, counselling for the future. Something like what the character of Ewan McGregor- Mark Renton, in Trainspotting said- "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a starter home. Choose dental insurance, leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose your future. But why would anyone want to do a thing like that?"
Well, turns out lot of us have to choose life, because unlike Mark Renton, most of us don't want to fall back upon a euphoric heroin-addicted state of living, although there may be exceptions!

Let's not get diverted. Where were we, yes, it's a counselling session on the brink of beginning. Students have been asked to wait for the appearance of the authorities, in the hot, depressing room described above. I sit there, studying my nails intently, because there really is nothing else to do. Suddenly, a face pokes in the doorway, the figure is holding up a hand and calling someone from the room to go upto him. All heads turn up to see who it is, and the figure is all-too-familiar, the white hair, untucked shirt and trousers, and the belly, courtesy his sedentary sarkari naukri- it is none other than my father! And who is he calling to from across the room...no surprise there, really.

Now all heads in the room follow my agonizing journey from my seat to the door, while I'm thinking, "I thought parents were supposed to wait downstairs, who let him up here?!"
And why did my father call me out of the room, let's say the reason is not worth mentioning. Dads are always too cautious about little things.

After satisfying his curiosity on a minor detail, my dad disappeared. During the counselling session, some of us had the guts to actually start talking to each other, and the task of filling up the forms became considerably less onerous. Suddenly, a voice behind me says-"Hi Dinna!" Well, well, well, it's daddy dearest again, this time wondering how long I would take to fill a single form.(It was 6 pages, back-to-back! 6!!)

There were three fathers, who were hovering around their daughters, and guess what, all of them were Bengalis. I thought, this might be a generalization, maybe any other father would also be there for his daughter, but no...my suspicion turned into a certainity when my new Bengali friend said- "Gosh, Bengali fathers can be so funny! I told my father to stay back home and that I can handle this, but no!"

That's right people, Bengali fathers are not anything if not protective, concerned, anxious, impatient and sometimes plain nosy. And surprisingly, my father is none of these things otherwise. He's very calm and composed, never gets fazed. You know, years of bureaucracy can do that to someone. Just that day he metamorphosed into this anxious, nervous, worried person. This new avatar of his is what my brother calls the "senile Baba". My father!

Maybe the company of other Bengali fathers affected him so! But most probably he was just plain bored. Because the counselling took a gruelling 3 hours to complete. Ordinarily, a very busy man, what could Baba do in the circumstances? He was very sweet, brought me cold water, photocopied some documents, which was my job to do, and solved all my queries accurately :)
"Baba, what's our permanent address?"
"Baba, you won't believe this, they're asking for the village and post office where I was born. Asansol's not a village, what do I write?!"
"Baba, I don't know your monthly income...(pause)...wow, really? I didn't know the 6th Pay Commission could be generous. Do I get a raise in my pocketmoney...?"

I told him- go back to the car, and enjoy the air conditioning. But my selfless, sacrificing father would have none of that. His mysterious disappearances once in a while were when he was walking around the campus in the heat, on the lookout for forms for accomodation. Accomodation for me. He was also probably reminiscing his days of education in the same campus.

Aren't fathers the best, except when they're frowning so much you think their faces would get set that way... :D
Well, I guess littering the area around the TV with chocolate wrappers, and bottles of water(doesn't chocolate make you very thirsty?) does warrant certain amount of frowning...
But let them frown, all the frowning just disappears when they give you a beautiful smile, when you've done something to make them proud. (Seems a while since I were on the receiving end of "the smile", and the frowning is kind of tipping the scales...)

Anyway, the day was a great success, all thanks to my father. Were it not for his eye for details, fast thinking and meticulous planning, I would probably be wailing my lungs out!
Baba, you're the best.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Exam fun :D

When the exams are inching closer, I do the most outrageous things. I won't list any save one, for fear that you might think I'm crazy. For those who know me don't really need a list. In my defense, in a mad world, only the mad are sane :D
Anyhow, one thing that I love doing is bugging Parul with the most inane messages.

Atreyee: Guess what the maid just told me. She said I'm not like "aaj kal ki ladkiyan", that I'm very simple and "bhagwaan hamesha mera bhala kare". (This crudely translates into the maid thinking I'm very naive and innocent, and that I need the Lord God above to protect me from the big bad world. Ha!)

Next message-

Atreyee: And they're painting the campus all over again. The earlier paint is fine, but NO! Let's waste money.

Again, another message-

Atreyee: I love messaging you random stuff. It's so much fun imagining your expression while you're reading it!

Parul, who is known for her succint messages, replies to my saga of messages-

Parul: *profanity* I'm in class. And padh le. Fail ho jayegi. (Study. You'll fail.)

:D That's that.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

A good lesson learnt

A recent converstion with my 10 year old niece, while walking on the streets of Kolkata on Diwali night.

Niece: Maashi (that's ''aunt'' in Bengali), can I ask you a question if you promise not to tell my mother?

Me: (glancing uncomfortably at my sister who's walking a little ahead, wondering what kind of situation I'm leading myself into) Yes, go on...

Niece: (in hushed tones) What do you think of the dress 'bikini'? (breaks into mini giggles)

Me: (totally flabbergasted) Er...it's alright I guess...

Niece: No, seriously, what do you think of it? You'd look good in one, maybe a sky blue or light green to match the sea..do you have one in Delhi?

Me: (feeling very, very uncomfortable) Ahem, not really. Well, would you like to wear a tiara darling? Dad! Buy us some tiaras, they look so cute!



The conversation is halted as we excitedly choose tiaras from the roadside peddler. The golden ones look hideous, but we manage to settle for some nice silver ones. Both of us immediately put them on our heads. I look like a queen, and she a princess :)

We attract a lot of gazes on the streets, some are even sniggering and pointing at us, but a queen is never hassled by rowdy subjects, so i keep the tiara on, feeling giddy with happiness.



Dad: Dindu, take it off, you're embarrassing me. I don't know you, ok? Don't call me.

(He walks off, and my sister is laughing at the both of us)

Niece: So, the reason why I asked was because I want to be a model when I grow up.

Me: A model!!

Niece: Ssshh, Maashi!! You want Ma to hear? Keep it low!

Me: Kid, you have a set of good brains, why do you want to waste them?



Then suddenly I realize my terrible mistake, my statement was totally judgemental, and based on personal biases. Yet, images of Madhur Bhandarkar's 'Fashion' flash through my mind, and I instantly feel like protecting my much loved niece.



Niece: What do you mean?

Me: I mean that if you want to be a model, go ahead, but there are other options as well.

(Inside, my head's screaming- she's in 4th grade! I used to pluck flowers and play in the garden when I was in 4th! )

Niece: Such as?

Me: You can be a sociologist :), a lawyer, a journalist, a doctor, a teacher, an astronaut...

Niece: (cuts me short) A sociologist? What on earth is that?

(I'm thinking, how much longer until we reach our destination? I'm beginning to feel thirsty. At that moment, I realize how important this conversation is to an impressionable 10 year old who looks upto you, so I launch into full grown-up career counselling)

Niece: Wow! I never knew that all doctors dont always have to cut up humans. And social action is beginning to just about interest me.(She's an extremely smart kid, and at that moment I'm a very smug aunt :)

But I think I'll be an actress instead.

(The smug look drops instantly. But then I decide to indulge her, as I always do)

Me: Of course sweetie. You do whatever you want to. Even I wanted to be Miss World when I was your age.

(You think the tiara on my head is proof of the vestiges of my childhood dream?)

Niece: Aww Maashi, whu didn't you?

Me: I dont think I have the looks.

Niece: (in a bossy tone) Well, I think you do. You shouldn't let anyone or anything come in the way of your dreams, never. Oh, look at that pup, isn't he cute?

Me: (overcome by feeling) Aww...come here you little baby...(big hug and kiss) Maashi loves you lots, you know? :)



It's then that I realize how being grown up has changed me, how easily we let go of our little hopes and desires, how we fiddle with life's trivial things while time flies. Put new heart into yourselves, throw caution to the winds and once in a while, let a young mind change your take on life :D

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Erm...why?

Some things will never cease to confuse me.

1. How some people will always, no matter how emphatically or angrily you say it, not understand the word 'no'.
Aunt: You want another helping of rice?
Me: No
Aunt: Alright. (She says this while adding a generous portion of unwanted above mentioned rice to my congested plate)

2. When people write- "Oh, i read so-and-so book, more out of curiosity than any real interest"...I always thought that when you succeed in finishing an entire book, then your curiosity can't possibly remain that, it has to be translated into some sort of "real interest" at some point of time.

3. Why we absolutely must smile while getting photographed.
It's such a big deal, looking good in photos...I'm a big believer in looking good in photographs myself, and if I don't pass muster, I choose to delete them :D But that doesn't mean this entire thing doesn't bother me!

4. This time, during Durga Puja, I was walking towards a 'pandal' with friends and family, and between loud announcements of "Mr.Das, please report to the counter immediately, your annoyed wife is waiting for you!", we heard "Pedestrians are requested to please use the footpath and not prevent the flow of traffic".
Trust me, all of us searched in vain, being good pedestrians with strong civic sense, but never found the footpath!

And pedestrians remind me of Kolkata's public- they are the worst pedestrians on the face of this earth...they cross busy roads as if they own them, just with the power of an outstretched arm! A nightmare for drivers, I tell you!
And god forbid, if you stop your car just centimeters away from a pedestrian, you shall have to hear words which can make your ears singe with embarrassment. Being a woman driver has its advantages that way, the 'you'd-rather-not-hear-word' is on the tip of their tongues, but as soon as they see your pretty face behind the wheel, they'll gawk for a few seconds, moments of uncertainty when they're deciding whether they should finish what they almost started or just glare and continue crossing, or worst case scenario, give you a sloppy half apologetic smile for disrupting your already wrecked drive. I'm sure the crowd in Delhi would not hesitate to do the first!

5. And finally, why Kadi-chawal is not removed from the hostel mess menu. Every Tuesday, oh the torture! Fluorescent yellow in colour, taste bordering on fermentation, and pakodis that hold promises of heartburn during afternoon lectures.
"Khosla ma'am, Kissi ko Kadi pasand nahi hai, itna bekaar hai, please kuch kijiye!"
"Beta, food comm se baat karo."
I can only say, thank god for the Momo-wale bhaiyya outside college :)